My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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