Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
