seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
