No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
