hotel room ftw
I wish I could teleport
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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