yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
