thus making me awesome and them whores
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
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no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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