Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
