you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
