my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
When did angry sex become our thing?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
