Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
