being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
