she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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