You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
