I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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