My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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