its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
