Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
