Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
