i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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