foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
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I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
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Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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