brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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