i think i have two assholes
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize