my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
