Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
