He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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