sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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