Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
