i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
