I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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