I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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