I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
