We won't sleep together?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
