oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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