The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
