if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
