i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
