neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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