Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
