He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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