I have demons in me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
