Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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