my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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