I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
