I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
