It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
