He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
