Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
