My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
