My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
