Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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