Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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