I met the friendliest cop last night
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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