I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
