life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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