i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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