I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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