can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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