when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
