Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
