That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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