u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
