Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
