In the future we'll all be gay
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
