maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
